Anger

Anger

It seems to me that all of our emotions are guides to how we ought to live our lives. As we learn to control the more negative emotions and replace them with emotions that are more helpful to us, we also need to insure that we don't lose sight of what our purposes are. Replacing fear with a sense of caution would cause our behavior to be roughly the same, we still wouldn't take needless risks, but, hopefully, our caution would be based on a reasoned evaluation of the risks and potential rewards. In that sense, we might take the same actions of fastening our seatbelt and driving only when we are fully alert, but without the emotional cost which fear exacts. Fear can reduce the basic joy of life pulling us into the illusion of separation, that we need to protect ourselves and those things which are important to us. The actions we take could be quite reasonable, but it is better to take those actions within a context of dharma (it is our duty to act responsibly) while feeling connected to the world around us and, basically, safe.

It is more complex with anger. It is easy for me to imagine a better world where everyone acts out of compassion and respect. In such a world there might not be any need for money and such and certainly anger and jealousy would have no place. Of course, the reality is there have always been people who are heavily driven by the more negative emotions, full of selfish greed and false pride, responding to loss with vengeful hurting of others. The question is what is the best way to deal with the excesses and negative behavior of others. In that regard, I really love the law as a way of formalizing the restrictions which we as a people agree upon as right behavior. Further, the law comes with sanctions for inappropriate behavior to encourage people to reform their behavior (and comply with the law). Of course, the law is limited to those behaviors which can be clearly defined as inappropriate. However, within the context of human behaviors there is a great deal of behavior which can not be clearly defined as illegal. For example, insulting others with negative aspersions which happen to be mostly true could hardly be illegal. It is too hard to distinguish that from constructive criticism, which is too often used to cover insults just because it is so hard to distinguish the two.

For those negative behaviors which are too subtle to be overtly declared illegal, we need to stand up to the less enlightened person to help them learn more appropriate behavior. To endorse or even ignore such behavior is to encourage such behavior and that is not the right thing to do. We have an obligation to oppose negative behaviors whenever we encounter it. However, the real challenge is to oppose negative behaviors without surrendering our compassion, respect and acceptance. As discussed in my thoughts on connections, if you try to change another person because they annoy you, your annoyance will undermine your efforts to change them. However, if you have can get past your annoyance (if you maintain a proper inward focus, nothing anyone else does should annoy or bother you) and can oppose their inappropriate behavior with compassion, hoping that they too can discover the joys of a selfless life of service, then you can not only oppose their inappropriate behavior but also encourage them to make the fundamentals changes in their perspective that can lead to a truly sweet and joyful life.

For me, the answer is to first overcome my annoyance with their behavior. Once I am no longer bothered by their behavior, it is then possible for me to see their situation more truly. Their negative behavior isolates them from the people around them (you can't take advantage of others while at the same time having compassion for their suffering) thereby creating their own personal hell, expecting others to try to take advantage of them and creating a world where they have to always defend their ill gotten gains. As I learn to see how their negative behaviors are harming them, it is easy to develop compassion for them, their ignorance of the consequences of the choices they are making. Once I have developed my compassion, it is then possible for me to take whatever actions are necessary to oppose their inappropriate behavior. The difference is that I am choosing my response with a element of regret and a hope that they will learn from their experience. This is distinctly different from a sense of vengeance and punishing them for their misdeeds. The true punishment for selfish behavior is intrinsic in the choices a person makes, creating their own personal hell, and I don't need to do anything to further that. Instead I pray for them finding the grace to to see beyond their current ignorance and learn the joy of serving others, creating their own personal heaven.

The advantage of making my response based on compassion rather than anger is that it helps me develop my own connection to the people around me in contrast with the feeling of separation that anger engenders; I am creating my own personal heaven instead of a personal hell. Further, I am encouraging others to change their self centered perspective to one that leads to a more sweet and joyful life.

For me, the more negative emotions are like the training wheels on a bicycle. They encourage required behavior like opposing unreasonable selfish behavior by others. However, just as training wheels prevent you from ever really going very fast (trying to turn a bicycle which is going very fast with training wheels is most hazardous), we need to eventually learn to take the same general actions without the cost of the negative emotions. We need to learn to be cautious and oppose inappropriate behavior without the emotional cost of the more negative emotions. Then we can create our own personal heaven without the separation caused by the negative emotions such as anger and fear.

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This page was last updated on January 5, 2011