Thoughts on Divorce

Thoughts on Divorce

In August of 2004, my wife, Karyn, filed for divorce. A lot of people expressed their sympathy, which was appreciated, but it really was for the best. While I was happy in the marriage, Karyn was miserable and so it is best that we each move on. I learned a lot from my experiences and I hope that she can learn as well.

One of the main lessons I learned from this was the absolute truth that all misery and suffering are self created. I first heard that claim over a decade ago and, at the time, I thought, 'yeah right', but as I considered it I thought, 'well maybe in some theoretical sense'. However, over the years I have come to appreciate just how very true it is.

Note that I did not say that pain and hardships are self created as those are an intrinsic part of life, but we each have a choice about how we respond to the difficulties (or challenges) that life gives to us (and they will always be there) and that determines whether or not we will be miserable and suffer or whether will be happy and satisfied with our condition.

Before we married, Karyn complained about various aspects of her life many of which related to being single and raising her son on her own. I thought that I could help resolve what was making her unhappy. However, as the difficulties which previously bothered her were resolved, she found new complaints and I became the main source of her problems. She described our marriage as a nightmare, which I am sure was true for her. But just as many yogis of old have said that all of life is a dream, it was clear that what was making her miserable was her own imagination.

Another thing I have learned from this is the power of prayer. It has been my experience that certain prayers (deep and heart felt desires) are always answered. However, along the lines of 'be careful what you wish for' and genies wishes which always seem to turn out wrong, prayers have a habit of being morphed from what you want into what you need. So while I was unhappily married I had prayed to be happily married. Those prayers were repeated when I was unhappily single, but first I had to learn to be happily single (no longer making myself miserable by complaining to myself about my condition). Then I was happily married, but it wasn't in the healthy supportive relationship that I had previously imagined. Instead it was my own discipline making me happy: being the sort of person I wanted to be, doing what I could to be loving and supportive to my wife and not focussing on the frustrations of having a wife who I loved who was miserable and there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

However, as it was unlikely that Karyn was going to get happy under these circumstances, when she asked for a divorce, I went along as there is a better chance that she will learn the true source of her unhappiness (her habits of thought) if she is able to move on to another set of circumstances. Now I pray that she is able to see through the illusions that are making her miserable and apprecaite the many blessings that surround her.

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This page was last updated on March 15, 2007