Infatuation

Infatuation

My first thoughts are that if a person had a rational choice about it, they would probably choose to not have any romantic relationships at all. Romantic relationships demand a lot of time and energy and bring up all sorts of feelings which are intrinsically irrational and often confusing (as discussed previously). However, we are not rational creatures but rather social animals with many needs and desires that aren't related to pursuing our more rational goals. So, the decision to not have romantic relationships may be most appealing, but is much harder to actually do and I have not been able to accomplish it.

Sexual desires as well as the numerous forms of being lonely (wanting someone to be with us as we go about our lives) often combine to make some form of romantic relationship necessary. There is a temptation to find someone we are comfortable with and develop a romantic relationship just to resolve our loneliness and sexual desires. This may work fine for some, but it ignores the problems with romantic infatuation. My own experience with romantic relationships which I choose as rational choices, based on comfort and such, is that they lack depth. It is not possible for me to form the level of commitment and attachment in romantic relationships of choice which is necessary to weather the trials which such a relationship must endure.

For me, the most common problem of romantic relationships based on comfort is the problem of romantic infatuation with some other potential partner. Infatuation is where I get obessed about a person. There is also a loss of the ability to think or see clearly concerning the person. They may have numerous faults but while I am under the influence of infatuation I can only see qualities, often in contradiction to all reason. Whenever I am with that person I am supremely happy, just being with them brings me great joy. However, when I am not with them I am always at least a little unhappy, wanting to be with them and thinking about them. Infatuation seems to override all my normal goals and throws a monkey wrench into all my plans and objectives. If I am in a existing romantic relationship, one chosen based on comfort, I am then supremely miserable as I only want to be with my new flame, but don't feel comfortable with pursuing the new relationship until I end the last, a painful process for both parties. The net is that romantic relationships which I choose based on comfort end up just making me more miserable and don't really resolve my sexual needs or even my needs for company as the relationship ends up getting wrecked by infatuation sometimes within just months.

Romance based on infatuation is not simple either. One of the problems is, of course, that partners chosen based on infatuation aren't necessarily compatible. We may be attracted to people who are the opposite of what we need for a long lasting healthy relationship. In that regard I am fortunate in that I generally infatuated with women I am pretty compatible with, generally strong and independent women with excellent social skills. Of course there are other problems with romance based on infatuation.

Infatuation brings up very intense emotion. It seems that amongst almost all adults there is both a strong desire for and great fear of close romantic relationships. The desire is probably based at least partially on the huge chemical high we get from infatuation when the relationship is going well. The fear of intimacy seems to be based on a fear of rejection. As we get older and have experienced more failed romances, it may be that the fear of rejection and intimacy becomes a stronger force. In any case, the conflicting emotions often leads to an unhealthy cycle. When the romance seems to be going well, it seems that we are driven to undermine the relationship (without any conscious thought) based on the fear of intimacy and implicitly, rejection. However, when the relationship appears likely to fail, the desire for a close romantic relationship seems to dominate and we are inclined to make great efforts to develop the relationship. The result can be a roller coaster relationship with great highs and lows which can be most dispruptive to everyone's life.

This is the downside to romantic relationships based on infatuation. There is also a potential upside. Romantic relationships which are based on conscious choice and comfort generally have the problem that neither party is ever really commited to the relationship. They are intrinsically conditional with each party ready to pull out if their needs are no longer being made. The problem is that that is not a good foundation for a long term relationship as their is not the level of commitment to ride through the tough times which are sure to come sooner or later. However, with the added dimension of infatuation, each partner can be so devoted to the relationship that they will go to great lengths to make their partner happy. In turn, their partner will bring them great happiness which serves to support and reinforce their desire give to their partner. There can be a wonderful spiral of increasing caring, support and giving between the two. However, this spiral seems to depend on the excesses of infatuation; the conditional giving of romantic relationships based on rational choices (for comfort) never kicks off the cycle of giving which is the foundation of a really strong and good romantic relationship.

Another problem with basing a romantic relationship on infatuation is that infatuation does not seem to last. It seems that shortly after infatuation is in full bloom it starts tapering off, much like a fire which burns up all its fuel and then goes out, generally with six months to three years. If the couple is not compatible, as infatuation loses its strength, they will soon see the faults that were hidden from them. The relationship will fail as the light of reality comes to them. However, if the couple is compatible, the infatuation can be replaced by their history of positive interactions. The spiral of giving creates an emotional history which becomes the foundation of their relationship. Indeed, in the best case they will not even notice the fading of infatuation as infatuation is replaced by long term commitment and mutual support.

I should mention that the nature of infatuation seems to vary with each person (being about as diverse as the people and their personalities) and infatuation seems to vary with each potential target for infatuation, being about as varied as relationships (which seem to be an amalgam of the personalities of both parties).

I also have an idea that infatuation seems to have a time limit. If the roller coaster based on the desire for a close romantic relationship and the fear of intimacy (and rejection) causes a history of misunderstandings and rejection, then after infatuation runs its course there is little hope. The history will interfere with the development of a healthy relationship and it seems (at least for me) impossible to become infatuated with the same person twice. It does seem that infatuation can be delayed by limited contact with the person and possibly even quenched by no contact with the person. It might be possible to reignite infatuation deferred through limited or no contact (following the model of infatuation as a fire which uses up its fuel), but that is very hard to determine as infatuation is so unpredictable.

There is also the question of where spirituality fits into this. I believe that disciplined spiritual practices can help one identify and get off the roller coaster driven by desire for and fear of intimacy. Further, much of the fear of intimacy is driven by carrying over our bad histories with past partners into our current relationship, but if we have dealt with those past histories it can allow us to develop new and healthy histories directly. Also, as we develop our spiritual practices we should have increasingly better histories with everyone we meet so that it is possible to start with a 'positive' history with any person we meet.

While the problems of romance may seem insurmountable, the reality is that romance (including infatuation) is very much unpredictable and, as such, a powerful mechanism for God to provide us with the challenges which are what we really need and love.

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This page was last updated on December 2, 2009