Lying

Another effect of lying is that it increases the illusion of separation. If I lie to another person to take advantage of them or control them, then these machinations have the effect of making them 'others', different from myself. In this manner a liar creates their own hell on Earth where they are distant from those around them and fear that others are trying to take advantage of them creating a cold and threatening world for themself (an inevitable consequence of thinking of others as separate from ourself).

Of course 'white lies' (or lies told to protect the feelings of another person) are a grey area. From one perspective they are kind and compassionate as we are trying to protect another person, but they are also sneakily deceptive. We might avoid hurting another's feelings because we don't want to deal with the aftermath, the uncomfortable tensions from dealing with the truth. Is it really selfless concern for another or selfish concern for our own comfort? As a general rule I avoid white lies as there is the danger that I am deceiving myself, preserving my own comfort at the expense of others while also developing a false sense of superiority. My belief that I can handle the truth while others can not develops a false sense of superiority and separation. There are too many dangers from white lies as compared to the alternatives

The alternative to half truths is to always strive to tell the whole truth so that, as best you are able, the listener is left with a true impression. However, this does not mean that it is OK to brutally "tell things as they are" without regard to people's feelings. For example, if a dear friend were to fix you dinner and it was the worst turkey you have ever had and your friend asked you how you liked the turkey, you could answer "It was the worst turkey I have ever had", but that would be thoughtless, inconsiderate, and not the whole truth. The problem with such brutal 'honesty' is that it conveys several other messages which, hopefully, are not true.

On hearing that the turkey was really awful, your friend is likely to hear that you don't like them, that they are incompetent, and that you feel superior to them. None of these are true messages (this was your friend after all). An alternative response could be, "I have never had turkey prepared like that!" (with a positive tone of voice) to convey the messages of respect and compassion that are also part of the whole truth. In those situations where a 'white lie' really might be a compassionate gesture, half truths can be used to more accurately convey the whole truth. In the rare cases where your friend might be able to hear suggestions you might add an innocuous suggestion like, "but I wonder if the turkey might have been a little better if it were cooked longer at a lower temperature", though if your friend is not very secure in themself or your friendship then that could be taken as a criticism and serve no positive result. It is all a very fine judgment call. Telling the whole truth is actually a very subtle art form, never done exactly right, but an area where we can always strive for improvement."

However, I have also considered situations where remaining silent is not enough. On considering the implications of suicide, there is the problem common with aging of becoming increasingly incapacitated and dependent on those we love, often our children. This can easily bring up issues of pride and the purpose of life. While it is important that we deal with those issues when they come up for us (when we are becoming more dependent ourself), we also need to help others (i.e. our parents) deal with those issues as theyh come up for them. A classical example would be a parent saying "I don't want to be a burden on those I love." In this case, silence or even half truths are not sufficient. What is required is strong statement of love and that the person matters to you; something like "You are not burden to us. We are happy to do what we can to make your life easier, you did so much for us in the past." even if it is not completely true; they may be a burden at times and almost everyone will have mixed emotions in such situations.

The original statement about not being a burden often indicates self doubt about their value as a person, whether they are loved and appreciated. As such, compassion requires a strong response to show that they are loved and appreciated. While the issues of pride and dependency will still need to be dealt with (and this is a good thing), it should be in the context of feeling loved and appreciated. Our aspiration to be completely comfortable with caring for our family as we are able is enough, it doesn't need to be absolutely true. In this regard, compassion takes precedence over the value of not lying.

1 In truth, a life of dharma and service are actually determined by our intentions rather than the actual results, so one can lead a perfectly dharmic life without great knowledge of the consequences of one's choices, but it can lead to unnecessary frustration when good intentions lead to bad outcomes. For each person, dharma or right action varies according to their current wisdom. For example, a parent might be very strict and harsh with their children if that is what they believed to be best for their children (that is how they were raised). That would be dharma for them. However, they might later learn that children develop best with compassion and forgiveness. At that point, being gentler and more giving would be dharma for them as that is what they believe is best for their children. Later they might learn about the dangers of co-dependency and then dharma would include times of firmness and discipline. Indeed, it is when we see that the consequences of our choices are not what we expected (good intentions with bad outcomes) that we start the process of studying dharma and developing the wisdom to know what actions and choices will really bring benefit to all. An advanced practitioner of dharma becomes very effective at creating good outcomes.