Self Worth
When I was 29 and my father just turned 62, my father commit suicide. My brother and uncle (my father's identical twin) were quite upset by the matter, but I was surprisingly untouched by it. On consideration, I imagine that was because in my childhood, by father had like the sun to me. While my father was quite non-expressive, we would do things together (work in the garden and such) and he would radiate love (or that was my experience). However, when I was about 12, my folks were divorced and my regular contact with my father stopped. He did not feel up to taking care of two children (my brother was about 14) and left us with our mother (I learned later, I don't remember anything like that from the time), so my father would visit us every Sunday afternoon and we would go see a movie. In retrospective, that was very difficult for me as it was my father presence that I valued. I think my grief for my father started. Just before I turned eighteen I was off to West Point, which was quite a shock. However, I never really returned to home and learned to adapt to rare contact with my father. In a certain sense, my father was (and is) always with me as I could always talk with him in my mind as I needed to. As such, I had already grieved my separation from my father and adapted. While my father's suicide was upsetting, it was not devastating. My brother and uncle were very angry with my father, unable to understand how he could do such a thing (my father commited suicide on my uncle's last day of work before he retired, crushing my uncle's plans for his retirement when they could spend lots of time working on projects together). However, for me my father's decision was iminently rational. If I were in the same situation I would have done the same thing. Of course, I was disturbed by his decision as it represented a great loss to me. I valued my father for his wisdom and experience and missed his companionship. The problem was that my father had come to view his own self worth in what he could do (a common trait in the U.S., especially amongst males). He was always the best at everything he did. He worked at an aircarft factory making parts of Navy fighters at LTV, a defense contractor. He prided himself on making the most parts with the least defects in the least amount of time. My father also had a great fear of growing old. During WW2 my father stayed with his mom (my grandmother who I never met) and cared for her while my uncle was off serving in England. For whatever reason my father was terrified of getting old, helpless, and a burden on those around him. In the years before my father's suicide, LTV had run into difficulties, not getting any replacement contracts with the Navy. They got a sub contract with Boeing to make 747 tail sections, but the tolerances were much tighter and my father had many more rejects. Of course, everyone was having problems with more rejects, but with my father's obsession old age and becoming helpless, he was really stressed out and had a nervous background. He spent a few weeks in a mental institution and was contemplating returning to work. However, my father's sense of false pride came back at him. He had always had harsh judgments of those who went to the 'loony bin', but now he needed to face his co-workers. My uncle suggested that my father retire with him, but that just raised further concerns for my father. He was twice divorced and had very little savings. Contemplating being a financial burden on his loved ones was unbearable to him. All this made perfect sense to me, I could appreciate the dilema my father faced. So, in a certain sense I agreed with my father's decision, but in another sense I strongly disagreed with his decision. I valued my father for his wisdom, knowledge, experience, humor, and, most of all, my connection with him (it was a joy to just know that he was present, continuing his role as being the sun in my life). This was an important moment in my life. I, like my father, had focused on doing everything I did well and that was the foundation of my sense of self worth. One of the problems with such a foundation is that it is a outward focus, depending on skills and accomplishments which are temporary (as my father was appreciating) while lasting joy really comes from the connections we make with those around us. My father was faced with the temporary nature of all the skills, abilities and things which he had valued so much and had not come to appreciate what really mattered to myself and the others around him. We valued him just for who he was, not what he could do for us or in general. That is the lesson we should all learn. From my own experience of my father's suicide, I made a decision to focus less on my work and more on my family, a decision I have not regretted and it is my hope that others can consider what is important in their life and avoid the trap of basing our sense of self worth on transient skills or things as my father did. Click here to see the next rambling tale.This page was last updated on November 15, 2011